and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
