Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize