just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Girls should come with a carfax report
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize