my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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