it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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