like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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