I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
being pregnant is like rehab
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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