If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
