ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
