how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
