I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
