The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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