Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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