She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
