She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
