his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize