eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
