Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
