remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
