sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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