She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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