You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
how do flat chested girls get laid?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
