i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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