She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
