sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
