He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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