I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize