Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
