Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
