I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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