I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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