so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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