I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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