in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
