HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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