Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
