her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
