did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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