rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
