running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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