wanna go halves on a baby?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
