I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Text me some of your sweat
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
