I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
