Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
