Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
