oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
