I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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