im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
