ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
