If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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