Where are you?
In a non slutty way
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
