sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
