Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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