if only i could text you this smell
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We had to coat check the pizza.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
