I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dignity is for republicans.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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