I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
