I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
