how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
