she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
