The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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