my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
